brian - oy - icon by raelala

Soon enough your gonna think of me and how I used to be

(This is sort of an editing version of a entry I just posted but that was made visible to only one and only if they logged in) :).

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I guess the reason that I have been freaking out lately is because I don't feel my life is where it's supposed to be. I am drifting further away from the plans that I always have had for myself. I always had this idea of where it was I was going and now it seems I am going nowhere.

For the past 9 years I have had a steady job day to day job. I had a friend base. But now I don't have a job, I don't have the friends I used to have, and I am back to living at home. I guess ever since I have left the state of Michigan I have been freaking out over this and have put a lot of pressure on R to be the go to person. The person I expected to be there everyday to cheer me up and to get me out of my funk. But honestly that wasn't fair at all to R. I realize that now and recent events have jerked me into realization that I have to be the one to do these things for myself. For honestly no matter how much your best friend tries to talk to you and tell you what you need to hear or what they think you need to hear your not going to until you decide to do it for yourself. It was hard at first but it has made me take a serious look at my life and realize that I need to be there for myself and become that stable person that I have been in the past.

As to taking control of my life I am going into town on Thursday dressed to the Nines and I am going to Employment office and if I can't find anything there I may just start going door to door damn it. Like I said yesterday I started the J.N.C. Diet and I ate nothing but fruit yesterday and it was hard believe you me because my stomach was rumbling but I made it and I didn't cheat once. Today I ate nothing but vegetable and although today was easier with vegetables I did cheat slightly tonight and had protein bar but it was one of those healthy ones and it was only 110 calories. My dad went on this diet and he lost 130 pounds within 5 months and that's what I want to do. It's supposed to be a diet that heart patients or people who are going to have an operation go on to loose a lot of weight fast to that they can have operations without complications or whatever. Here is the diet:

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So tomorrow I can eat fruit and vegetables :). Actually it's not as hard as I though it was going to be. I mean it's different than what I am used to but I tell myself what if you were on a desert island you would be happy to eat all these different kinds of foods. hehe corny but hell it gets me through.
  • Current Music
    matchbox 20 - unwell
brian - oy - icon by raelala

(no subject)

Ok my horoscope is really funny today :-P

"Trouble in paradise is unavoidable, so you may as well be blunt and tell it like you feel it. Attempts to finesse things have already had the opposite effect; steer straight today".

Getting ready to head into town for a little bit. Even thought I took a big ass nap yesterday I feel asleep on the couch last night and slept until 10:30 this morning. ugh...too much sleep. Today is the day that I am starting the Northwestern Jackson diet, so I am only eating fruit today. I am determined this time, so lets hope I get through this day without killing anyone.
  • Current Mood
    optimistic optimistic
brian - oy - icon by raelala

yoinked from lorelesabrhagen

Apparently I have been self deluding myself into thinking I am polly pure :-P

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Test
  • Current Mood
    shocked shocked
brian - oy - icon by raelala

(no subject)

The last couple of days have been ok and I have been feeling a bit better or trying to at least. I changed my background yet once again to an Erasure theme :) I love the way they look in drag hehe

Yesterday got up around noon and then me and my mom went into town. We ate at this one place called the "Huddle House", strange name but oddly it looked just like the inside of a Big Boys. Even the menu looked the same, I ordered what kinda looked like a Big Boy Hamburger. Then she went grocery shopping and I finagled $10 out of her to go to the dollar store. I got a cute little white wire garbage can for my room, and then this really cute basket that cost about $5 for to put my magazines in. I also got some hangers, one of those long lighters for candles, and 2 little green/white candles. My room is really shaping up, I got everything I want up now. I went through and organized all my books and nick knacks on my shelves to where I have one shelf set aside specifically for my pics. The only pics that made it up are pics of my friends, the family is still packed away because there was simply no room. I also got the new May issue of Cosmo, very happy about that :)

Went to bed around 3:30 and then got up this morning at about 8:30 to go to the meeting. I really didn't want to go but I have skipped all the meetings for the past week and a half. If I don't go to at least one I have to hear a lecture from my mother and I really don't feel like hearing it. That's another reason I need to get a job because honestly my family is not all that stable and I need to be out on my own. So today I bought the Brewton Standard and the Pensacola paper. There are jobs in Pensacola but my mother doesn't want to drive me an hour away every day. So I have to concentrate on any job I can get here in town. Once I get a car it will make things much easier.

Anyway after the meeting we went out to eat with her friend Wilda to the Brewton Country Club "oh la la" hehe. Yeah it was fried chicken, corn bread, and greens. Definitely southern cuisine. We sat down only to be joined by the visiting speaker that gave the talk this morning. So I had to suffer through not only my moms friends but about 5 other people from the hall. I told my mom she owes me one. Came home today got online and talked to a really great old friend and found out some fabulous news and I am very happy for them (you know who you are) :) . But because I only slept 5 hours last night I was wiped out at around 5 this afternoon so I took a nap and didn't get up until about 8:30 so I am wide awake now.

Besides looking for a job I have been spending time making icons and trying to learn more Photo Shop :). I tell you Photo Shop is the greatest thing that R gave me. I really enjoy the instant gratification it provides when people take my icons *smiles*

Oh yes before I forget last week I was at Wal-Mart and I was wearing my blue hat with the rainbow numbers. The one that R calls my tacky Wal-Mart fag hat. Anyway this lady comes up to me and imagine this with a southern accent asks me "do you have Jesus in your life". I was like yes right now my mother is forcing me too :-P lol I didn't really say that but I thought it was so funny at the time.
  • Current Mood
    okay okay
brian - oy - icon by raelala

(no subject)

Tired of whining :-P. I made a whole new layout today based on Queen of the Damned and the Lestat song Redeemer. It was a hard choice between Redeemer and
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I have even found pictures to make icons out of from both songs.

I still have a couple of more things to finish up in my room but I love waking up in a clean environment with all this room on my bed :). I also found my dream book but it had nothing on elevators or on the apocalyptic dream R told me about awhile ago. I think I need a better book :-P

I have been searching the Alabama Employment site but I haven't found anything yet. I haven't made it down to the office yet because my mom has being using the car in the morning for last couple of days.
  • Current Mood
    hungry hungry
brian - oy - icon by raelala

Will you eat fast food in a beat up car

Well more unpacking today. I've got pretty much all of my books unpacked as well as most of my little trinkets. A lot of things bring back happy memories. I've got my pink teddy bear that R gave me on the bed and now I feel a little bit better *smiles* If I have to walk this road alone I am happy for learning the things that I have learned and having the memories I have. I still have to unpack some of my music and a few other books but mainly everything is done. We might be going back to Michigan in two months and I will have to pack everything up again but at least my room looks like a room again.

I watched the Cher farewell tour on VH1 and boy did she look fabulous. If I could turn back time almost made me cry but I didn't :-P hehe
  • Current Music
    Cher - When the Money's Gone
brian - oy - icon by raelala


Today was actually a pretty good day. I got allot accomplished. I woke up at like 8:30 this morning and answered all of my emails. Then this afternoon I cleaned my room, vacuumed, and then shampooed the rug. Then I washed this book case that my mom had left of on the front screened porch. It's actually very pretty and has lots of shelves. Once it was cleaned up it fit perfectly in the spot across from my bed. I stripped the bedding down too and now everything in my room is fresh and clean. Finally after 4 months I unpacked the things that I had in my room (the things I thought I couldn't do without :-P) And yes I did put the pictures of me and the boi on a shelf by themselves. There is this one of him sticking out his tongue that makes me smile when I see it. I still have the boxes that are in the next house to go through. I started too late and I don't want to trip in the dark trying to lug stuff from one house to the other. They are mostly just books anyway and I separately packed all the books I absolutely couldn't do without.

Now that my environment is clean and organized the next step is to look for a job. It's either get busy living or get busy dying. So I think I am going to pick the first one ;)
  • Current Music
    Cyndi Lauper - Shine
brian - oy - icon by raelala

Home & Dry

I am actually feeling a lot better. The whole purpose of these memory post is to remember all the good things that happened during our friendship. Honestly I really don't know what's going on with us and I am not going to close any doors. He will always be my boi and I will always be there if he ever needs me. I would have written these things down anyway because you never know what the future holds and I just want to write down all the good things that I remember about our friendship because I am three states away and I do miss him. And it makes me less homesick to think about all the good things that we used to do. He is better than he thinks he is and I think there are certain things going on right now that I don't know about. Whatever may or may not happen only time will tell, right now it makes my heart feel good to remember.

I have more to write and will do so in time but right now I must go and finish some other things.
  • Current Music
    Home & Dry - Pet Shop Boys
brian - oy - icon by raelala

Water Fight

Well I am getting tired and heading off to bed but I wanted to write down one more memory before I do

It was when we lived in Ferndale and we got into this huge water fight. Of course you were always better at getting me than I was at getting you. Anyway I am drenched but I have this huge glass of water. You run to your bedroom and shut the door leaning against. I try to get in and realize you are leaning against the door but in my favor is the fact that there is like a 3 inch or less space from the door to the ceiling. Just wide enough to tip the glass and poor water on the recipient on the other side of the door. OMG you were so mad but then you burst out laughing. If I remember right I think we both uncle'd on that one. hehe
  • Current Mood
    nostalgic nostalgic